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Su-Yin"You alone can make my song take flight..." |
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July 13 AmbitionThese past few weeks have been tough in terms of focussing on work and study. There have been so many distractions by way of crazy working hours, visa problems (now resolved), various trips away and general lack of discipline. It's actually made me think about what is the motivation for me for doing this course and what are the reasons for not feeling as motivated or driven as I feel I should be. Perhaps there was even an underlying of doubt because why, if I really am passionate about all this, do I have so little drive to do the necessary study. I'm scared about going to China and not being able to survive, of finding it so hard to understand and be understood. Yet it takes so much effort to make myself do any learning.
I guess part of the truth is that I am too hard on myself. Whilst I definitely do need to force myself to do the work I am not the sort of person who single-mindedly aims for excellence in a particular area. Sure we should all be aiming for excellence, but I don't like putting that sort of pressure on myself, and definitely do not work well in that kind of environment. I realise that my aims and ambitions for this course are not to be the best in the class, or to secure a high paying job, or even to attain a first at graduation. They are simply to learn to speak Chinese. To be able to live up to people's (and my own) expectations and converse or do business in Chinese. I guess also to discover how it is like to be Chinese and in China as opposed to the 华侨 half and half life that I live. I spend so much time arguing that I am Chinese and not British. But really I'm not so sure. I look Chinese, but don't sound Chinese. I live in Britain but feel very little allegiance to it. What am I? I am determined to be Chinese because that's what I feel more like. And taking this course is one step closer to feeling more like a "legitimate" Chinese.
Ambition is something unique for each person. Yes I am ambitious, but not in that I strive to be the cleverest or the most successful or the richest, but in that I have taken on a challenge not only to learn a new language but also to discover something of myself along the way. As one who has been conditioned to believe that 1st is the best and only place to be in, it is a relief to know that being 2nd, 20th or even 200th is ok, it all depends on your ultimate goals.
God finally opened the door for me to learn Chinese, and the abilities He has given me will enable me to achieve to the best that I can. And I know that I will get my routine and discipline back at some point. Though I hope its sooner rather than later. I don't wanna have to cram right before going to China :p July 10 Visas, computers and workI'm going to chance it tomorrow and just go down to the embassy as I planned, even though I haven't had my medical form filled out. And I'm hoping against hope that somehow I will be able to get a student visa. Although what will probably happen is I will wait in line for hours and come away having achieved absolutely nothing. On the bright side I finally got a new computer. MAC. And oh my goodness it is wonderful. Its just taking a bit of time to find my way around the system, but that's all part of the fun hey. Work as ever is same old same old. A couple of late finishes (midnight) this week completely messed up my routines. And I am absolutely knackered. I have to get back on form though before next week as that's when the Monsoon sale starts. At least at the moment the sale madness is confined to kids and accessorize. But next week it will just take over the store. Ugh. Sick. July 07 My life is complicated.It is overflowing with visas and travel plans and medical check up nightmares. A few things I have discovered today...
1. The Chinese Embassy is rubbish. Their phoneline is hardly ever open and when it is it is perpetually engaged.
2. The man at the China Visa Application Centre is getting very annoyed a number of SOAS students who keep ringing and asking the same questions.
3. Because I registered with the doctor's in London it means I am no longer registered with my doctor here.
I keep asking myself why in the world does application for a student visa to China require a full medical check including an x-ray and ECG? It is totally unnecessary, I mean every other country in the world manages to function perfectly well without having that. And does it really have to be confirmed that I do not have any form of psychosis, be it manic, paranoid or hallucinatory? And mental confusion? Well I have mental confusion right now thanks to these visa applications. Trust the Chinese to make everything 100 times more complicated than it should be.
On top of that I am working until midnight today to prepare for the Monsoon Accessorize sale. How many times have I said that I never want to do a sale again? Well don't believe it because the madness is starting once more. My dreams will be filled with little yellow 50% stickers, handfuls of tangled necklaces and little kids leaving Macdonald's French fries on the floor where they get smooshed into the 180 pound dress that some careless customer has dropped on the floor. And it seems as though my waking moments will be filled with calls to the embassy, JW-202 forms, admissions letters and physical examination forms for foreigners. Oh and it doesn't help that its been raining so long now that I can't really remember what the sun looks like. IT'S MEANT TO BE SUMMER! June 16 Rachelle est en FranceThe weather isn't particularly good at the moment. Warm, but grey and showery. We spent the day today just driving around, exploring the neighbouring towns and eating pastries. In this part of France, most things are closed on Mondays so really there wasn't a lot of things to do today. The cottage we are staying in is really pretty, small and cosy. It is quite reminiscent of an Ikea showroom in terms of the furnishings :p and, surprisingly for France, has a pretty inadequate kitchen. To be honest \i think its actually easier to cook in a Dinwiddy kitchen than here lol.
I've had ample opportunity to practice my French so far. This isn't a particularly touristy area so not many people speak English. Believe it or not, in my seven years of learning French, today was the first time I've actually ordered a meal in French. Three years ago I totally would not have had the confidence to speak French to French people and now, although its rusty, I have absolutely no qualms about it. I guess it's something to do with having started learning an insanely difficult language this year, and getting used to the prospect of surviving for a year in a country on the other side of the world where literally no one will speak English. In comparison to that, this is way inside my comfort zone :p easy peasy :p June 14 Sorted and MonsoonerizedThank God that my summer plans, for the most part, are sorted out. I'm not travelling to Singapore (
 ) but straight to Hong Kong and I get to experience Air New Zealand whilst I'm at it. True its definitely not going to be Singapore Airlines, but at about 400 pounds cheaper I'm sure I can deal with it lol. I also got a job. Not at the temp agency as I originally planned, but back at Accessorize with all my old Accessorize friends :D Well, I'm kinda working in Monsoon now as its moved into the new shopping centre and become a dual store. It was actually nice to be back. Out of all the jobs I've had this one is definitely my favourite. And my manager is giving me as many hours as she possibly can spare so I'm so greatful. I'm very glad that it doesn't matter if the temp agency never calls me with a job cos I think I'm gonna be pretty tied up with Monsoon and the upcoming sale. I'd much rather work in a store than a boring office configuring databases or stuffing envelopes  Tomorrow the family and I are of to the Loire Valley, France for a week's holiday. I can't wait cos we haven't been on holiday for a very long time and this is the last family holiday before I go to China. So should be full of relaxation (and a bit of simplified Chinese, just to make things a bit more interesting lol) My parents are doing the typical Kan family holiday thing by totally over-preparing. They've practically cooked all the meals for the next week to heat up when we're there, we are easily bringing more food than anything else. I guess if you don't have a weight restriction when going on holiday you can pretty much bring anything and everything you want, as long as it fits in the car haha. And guaranteed the car will be STUFFED full of things :p
June 10 Travel plans. What travel plans?Well I have no idea. I don't know what I'm doing, or even where I'm travelling to. Argh. Financial constrains create this problem for me. I'm having second thoughts about going to Singapore this summer. It seems more financially viable to travel straight to Hong Kong than spend 2 weeks bumming around in Singapore. Rising fuel costs and the Olympics really don't help an already struggling bank account :p Hostels in Beijing which are usually £3.50 a night are charging up to £30 a night for the duration and aftermath of the Olympics. Oh dear, it's so worrying, thinking about the amount of money this next year is going to cost. Sigh. Thankfully the Lord always opens doors and always provides. No matter how bad a situation seems, how impossible, I am always reminded that it is only to our finite human brains that things seem impossible. And that with my God, nothing is too hard. Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to thee!
May 30 好久不见!An extremely long absence from blogging owing to extreme amounts of procrastination which made the extreme amount of work I had even more extreme :p I honestly haven't had space in my head to think at blogging and now as today was my last exam I am as free as a bird and really I'm not sure what to do with my time now. How ironic. I complain about having no time to do anything, but now exams are over we're all so used to doing nothing but studying that we can't think of anything to do!
I honestly can't believe that I have finished my first year of university. It hasn't seemed like long at all. And it doesn't even seem like we are anywhere near prepared enough to survive in China :p These last two months have been filled with so much...stuff...I don't even know what to write about anymore (change of state 了) I have felt so much stress over exams and plans for China (housing arrangements and things) but thank God that it has all turned out fine and I'm looking forward to getting there now. I also really thank God for seeing me through my exams. I think I've done well enough to pass, otherwise it will be another year out for me, except instead of gallavanting around Singapore without a care in the world it will be selling the Big Issue outside SOAS or something :p
This third term has been so instrumental for establishing and cementing friendships. There have been so many ups and downs on so many levels. The whole housing issue for China has just been such a sensitive subject, as it really made me think about my friends and who out of them I would really be able to live with. Again thank God for a whole selection of friends I've made in London who I would love to live with
 . But I really am so thankful for the people I've met here. Now that the year is over there it pretty much nothing between me and going to China. Well, except a month of work to actually try and get enough money to survive in China. I just hope I can find a job once I'm back in good ol' Wycombe. A week ago I was really raring to get back to Wycombe, generally feeling depressed about exams and the AWFUL food aka nongzuowu they've been forcing down our throats at IH canteen aka kennels, but now the exams are over, I've realised that these are now the final few days in London with friends before heading abroad for over 12 months, and I kinda don't want to go home. Well of course I do because I miss family and especially my Wycombe friends, but it's just going to be weird going home knowing that the next time I see all my uni friends will be in the Far East.
I sit here now in a messy post-exam room, strewn with study notes, books and crumpled copies of the London Lite. I'm all at once looking forward to the next few days, worrying about my current doughy physical state (I can thank revision boredom eating for that), feeling uncomfortable because I ate way too much at the end-of-exams celebration meal and thinking about what I'm going to watch on iPlayer although its 1am and I"m knackered. I'm just watching tv because EXAMS ARE OVER AND I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT!!!! hehe. *高兴*高兴*高兴* March 24 Physically knackered, spiritually refreshed...CHURCH EASTER CAMP
A really blessed time of teaching, praying and fellowshipping. I really thank God for this weekend past where I have been able to remove myself from the strains of work and general life and spend time with other Christians, listening to God's Word, being able to reflect of the last few months. This weekend has given me so much food for thought. Areas of life that I need to change, places where I need to readjust focus back onto God.
I thank God for the members of the congregation and for the time we were able to spend together getting to know one another better, encouraging and being encouraged, and also fooling around :p
Saturday's Amazing Race was lots of fun. Despite the snow/hail/rain...which I hold partly responsible for the current state of my nose: BLOCKED. Particularly enjoyed kicking back at Huberts place for a while (oops was I not supposed to mention that?! hehe) Sorry me and Serena ate quite a lot of your chocolate cornflake thingys. It was so interesting to see the history of the reformed church in England and to remind myself of the hardships that dedicated people like the Marian reformers went through for the Word. And if they can stay true to God in such hostile circumstances then how much more should we be encouraged and spurred on to really live for God.
More thanks to Anthony for organising the camp. I must say it was quite comfortable up in the loft (sorry to everyone who had to endure my snoring, and mine and Sophia's sleeptalking, whatever we talked about I'm sure it was very edifying :p)
Hubert, I don't think you're ever going to live down a) eating 2 dinners in one go and b) being 8hours late for camp hahaha!
Joy, u Luther!
Does anyone know if the Flinns are on Facebook?
Josiah i think you need to organise some more Operation Dinners...Thursday was great!
And oh I almost forgot to mention the food. All the people who cooked... sensational! I think I'm quite a few kg heavier than I was on Friday morning :p
Have a good easter break everyone, and see you all in 3 weeks time
xxx March 17 Ugh3 hours in the library reading about China. Ugh is the only word for it. But I'm going to get this essay done and dusted this week no matter what. I just wish I had a title....:p March 15 Books are shelvedfor one more day. And I'm relishing it :D. Today Lisa came down to London for the Terracotta Army exhibition and beforehand we went to Portobello Road Market. Which was so much fun! Antiques...clothes....food...brilliant. And then met my parents in Queensway for roast duck dinner. SLURP* amazing. I feel ill I've eaten so much. And since yesterday eating LOADS at Dinwiddy too. Ugh I'm such a pig. Its back to work and back to the gym on Monday. :)/:( HoLiDaY!That was a beast of a week. Argh. And now I'm embarking on a completely work free weekend :D Thank goodness. Not a word of Chinese will pass my lips (easier said than done) and my hand will not write a single Chinese character. March 09 The Last 5 Weeks...bullet points.This is my longest absence from my blog ever. Mainly due to not having any time whatsoever. Or perhaps more acurately, having time, but then wasting it doing other things. So here are highlights of my last 5 fun-filled (ha!) weeks in brief.
And that brings us swiftly up to today. Where I'm trying to prepare for the next Big Test which is next Friday. I can't wait for it to be over. Cos then I can look forward to Easter and doing yet another essay. Yay. February 03 Slowly climbing back upThe end of another week. And the end of two weeks of absolute nightmare. Starting with coming back to uni after the Christmas break, being ill and then not doing so well in the test was all such a let down. Plus 2 of the most difficult lessons in terms of Chinese grammar. Constant tiredness because of worrying about how much work I had to do, worrying because I hadn't been paying attention in class because I was tired. It's just a vicious cycle really. And it was very disconcerting the number of times I woke up last week suddenly, feeling panicky and having no idea where I was or what the time was or what I was meant to be doing, with the feeling I had missed doing something important. It was quite surreal. I can only put it down to stress.
Last week on Tuesday we went to the Big Meeting (in Chinese if you put "big" before something I think it makes it more important an official sounding :p) where we were able to meet up with 3rd years who have just finished their year in China. We were able to ask them questions and listen to their advice about our time over there. It really brought it home to me how fast time is moving. Now there's only 1 week until reading week. After reading week there's (I think) only 3 weeks of lectures before easter hols and then after the easter hols there's another couple of weeks before our exams start. It also brought it home to me how little Chinese we all know and how ABSOLUTELY RUBBISH my spoken Chinese is. As you can imagine this all added to my stress levels.
In short these last couple of weeks I have been drowning in a sea of non-understanding whilst being crushed by piles of Chinese homework which I think I understand but then when it gets marked it turns out I actually don't. Grrrr. Thank God I'm slowly getting to grips with everything again. I'm almost sorted for the classical Chinese test next week. I had a successful trip to the library (so hot you think you've walked into a jungle) and have spent today reading books on the Qianlong emperor of the Qing dynasty and the Italian painter,Giuseppe Castiglione, who was employed at his court. Art essay topic sorted. Now I'm just kind of hoping that the scrawled notes will somehow magically transform themselves into an essay overnight. I wish.
I'm also slowly getting back into the groove of exercising again. After a serious exercise-lacking period over Christmas I've finally got my gym membership sorted and have discovered that I can learn Chinese characters whilst on the cross-trainer/treadmill and whilst watching Friends. That's extreme multi-tasking for you. Swam for the first time in months this afternoon. Guaranteed my legs and arms are going to kill me tomorrow. And then I went and undid all the good work by proceeding to eat a whole big Galaxy bar whilst watching CSI. Imagine a hamster who's got his cheek pouches stuffed full of peas or whatever hamsters eat. My face feels like that. Pfft. I felt that ater the hard work of the last couple of days and to celebrate being a bit more in tune with Chinese again I deserved it! Haha.
Oh yes and I didn't get the job at Oasis. But I think it is a real blessing in disguise. I have so much work right now I don't think I would be able to cope with the job. Also my financial situation has stabilised slightly because of the rebate on hall food whilst I was home for the Christmas hols. So I'm not quite as broke as I usually am at the minute. :) the Lord always provides. Quite often in ways you do not foresee. January 21 Job interviewToday @ 4pm. At Oasis in the Brunswick Centre. I'm really praying that I get the job and that the hours are good because I am in desperate need of money at the moment. Well for the foreseeable future.And I need to be saving for the summer and for next year...
I think I've got my focus back after the absolute train-wreck that was last week. The focus is back and the discipline, which is tbh always a struggle, is also slowly coming back. Actually it's a good thing that I have no money. It means I can't go anywhere and waste time that I should be using to study.
Fingers crossed for the intervew this afternoon... January 13 .I need to stop watching Doctor Who on Youtube and start doing some work. I can't control it. Someone help me.
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